How Donald J. Trump saved Christmas from intergalactic aliens (SATIRE)

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(SATIRE – This weekend satire piece is for entertainment purposes only and references mature themes. If you are offended, go scream for your mommy…)

Natural News can now confirm that it wasn’t the Russians who stole the election for Donald Trump… it was aliens from planet Cockamamie in the Libtard Nebula, according to CNN sources that have chosen to remain anonymous because they also imagine they work for the CIA.

According to these sources, planet Cockamamie suffered a devastating population collapse due to economic restrictions thrust upon them by the galactic climate change cultists known as “AlGorians.” Following a mass starvation catastrophe caused by the Cockamamie Senate banning fossil fuels without having any energy replacement ready, Cockamamians found themselves needing to repopulate their planet with fresh organic specimens harvested from across the cosmos.

Hence their trip to Earth, a planet that was once believed to also suffer from mass starvation until televised signals of Michael Moore were captured and analyzed by Cockamamian scientists. Suddenly, Earth was heralded by distant civilizations as a “grand cosmic buffet” of processed food calories and incredibly disconnected leftist who seemed to already be living on another planet anyway.

California, in particular, was chosen as the first landing site because the state’s massive “Safe Space” sign can be observed from high orbit, and the aliens thought it was an invitation to freely engage in “open borders” cattle probing or anal mutilations… or perhaps the other way around.

Thus, shortly before Election Day, large metallic dildo-shaped craft shimmering with LGBTQ rainbow light displays were observed hovering over San Francisco… or at least that’s what the warehouse cult rave party survivors tweeted. According to reports, the dildo-shaped UFOs targeted high-density apartment complexes to ensure the harvesting of a high percentage of liberals who might feel more at home on planet Cockamamie, whose policies almost exactly parallel those of San Francisco, where homeless people are openly allowed to defecate on the sidewalks but never allowed to accept homemade food from gracious citizens due to the city-wide “food safety crackdown.”

Suddenly the dildo craft sprang into action. In a mesmerizing flash, millions of Californicators were beamed up to the dildo UFOs, where they were efficiently subjected to a battery of mental and physical tests. In one relentless test, gender-fluid grey humanoids (“CockaTransaMamians”) used oral, nasal and anal voltage stimulators to determine the biological resiliency of human subjects. To the shock of the greys, some San Franciscan captives actually enjoyed the experience and begged for more. Astonished, the CockaTransaMamians ejected them from captivity and teleported them into Starbucks coffee shops to serve as hyperstimulated faggoty baristas who immediately began berating customers with tales of “sexual escapades with 50 shades of Greys.”

Other humans were found to be too stupid to survive on planet Cockamamie, so they were dropped off at the county courthouse and encouraged to run for political office or even lead the DNC.

Deeper in the bowels of the alien mothership, left-wing commentator Keith Olbermann was observed being apparently molested by CockaTransaMamians who tried to apply a brain scan helmet to his butt cheeks while milking his nose for DNA samples. It turns out they couldn’t tell Keith’s head from his ass and had the guy completely upside down.

After realizing their error, they tried to make amends by installing a “Russian conspiracy” program into his feeble brain and using a Men-In-Black flashy thingy to wipe his memory… which also happened to make him an even better news teleprompter reader for Earth’s propaganda fake news networks. Now, as you can observe on his broadcasts, Keith Olbermann fully realizes he was violated but can’t remember why… but he’s certain the Russians did something nefarious to his rectum and he thinks it might have been a poo coup.

Meanwhile, all the captive space-faring Democrats tried to wage a “soft coup” takeover of the Cockamamian mothership, first by demanding a democratic vote on who should be running the ship, then rigging the vote by recirculating people who already voted to the back of the voting line to make sure they could vote a second time. But they got caught by the greys, whom the Democrats quickly condemned as “illegal aliens,” much to the amusement of those on board who were actual aliens. The Democrats got overruled, at which point they all started to scream for mommy and began leaping out of the docking bays, mistaking the “WARNING: SPACE” signs for “SAFE SPACE” indicators.

It turns out that in outer space, no one can hear you scream “WAAAAAHHH!”

As the Democrats remaining inside the dildo alien UFO screamed and sobbed and demanded hot cocoa to soothe their trauma, the greys began to second guess the wisdom in transplanting such pathetic creatures who were obviously incapable of survival in a dynamic universe. Even the Cockamamie education system on planet Cockamamie might be too advanced for these failed specimens, the greys quickly realized, so they decided to jettison the crybabies in Venezuela, where they are now eating out of garbage dumpsters and enjoying their “equality” under a failed left-wing state where everybody is equally miserable, thus solving the “inequality” problem once and for all.

Thanks to the missing Democrats, Donald Trump was elected President. As his first official intergalactic act, he opened a negotiation with the Cockamamians to ask them the most important question to help Make America Great Again: “How many more Democrats can you please remove from Earth on your next harvesting run?”

Their answer? “Hell no! We’ll go somewhere else.”

And that, my friends, is how Donald J. Trump saved Christmas from intergalactic aliens.


About the author: Mike Adams (aka the “Health Ranger“) is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose descendants include Africans and American Indians. He is of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his “Health Ranger” passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world’s first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed “strange fibers” found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health “gurus,” dangerous “detox” products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over fifteen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.